Growing Into Light

A Story of Becoming Aware

There aren’t many women who would admit, they longed for the good old days of the fifties. A time when women stayed home to raise the children and create a perfect home. For her devoted husband, who provides for all her needs and desires. My passion for domestic perfection was ignited at a young age, inspired by the idyllic portrayal of the beloved TV series “Father Knows best”. There were a few things I knew for sure; I would make the perfect wife and mother. After all, I had appointed myself the unofficial mother of my three younger brothers when I was ten. Always making certain they were dressed properly before heading to play in the park. With this kind of early mental grooming, it’s easy to see how I was certain marriage, children and domestic perfection would be mine. No, this would become my ever-illusive pot of gold just over the next rainbow.

It was my gift of an utterly emotionally devastating broken heart that brought me to my knees. The man I had been dating for three years and had great hopes to marry, left for the weekend on Friday and came back married on Monday. This sent me into a complete downward spiral; I was totally knocked off center. Fortunately, my boys were only six, so I didn’t have the time to have a full-blown nervous breakdown. This was my final crushing relationship blowup. I fell to my knees asking for Gods help, I had no idea how to continue living.  In the days that followed there wasn’t enough air for me to breathe. Every joint in my body was in pain, I couldn’t think straight. There was no place I felt safe or even okay. I woke tired and went to bed tired, to say nothing of my sour disposition. One day dragged into the next, the only light in my day was the boys and even their presence was taxing. I struggled to make it through the day, depression was my constant friend. Still through all of this I was determined not to become yet another statistic, single Black Mother. My mind was fixed “You can’t let the family see you falling apart” I had to get it together and prove I could be a good mother. In the middle of all my emotional pain, being a good mother was my only clear thought. The pain in my body and mind would not lift. I needed to go to the doctor but with no insurance or money it was not happening. So, I clung to the hope in time God would answer my prayer. 

I was certain I had been abused, lied to, and abandoned not just by the last straw guy but by everyone I had ever known. The business world made me feel unworthy to be successful as a graphic designer. My mother who died far too early forced me to give up my independent college years. And of course, my inability to attract and find a man to marry me. I believed if I could only get married it would solve all the disappointments of my life. These thoughts always loomed near as the voices in my head continued to nudge me forward to true self-discovery. Periodically, in the beginning I had romantic encounters, it was my way of remaining connected to my old beliefs. But after a while I lost all interest in relationships with men altogether. I had children to raise and business to attend. Well, at least that’s what I told myself. 

On Sunday, I took the boys to church because I knew for two hours someone else would take care of them and I would have some place to rest my tattered nerves for a while. I was not in church for the service, I was looking for a sanctuary. I was walking in a fog; I was sure if anyone was fully aware of how I was feeling they would quickly give me a nice, padded room on the sixth floor of MCV hospital. At some point in the service, the pastor started telling a story. It was about an old gentleman who had lost his keys. He was outside looking all around the car for his lost keys. At some point a young man came to assist, after some time of looking around the car and under the car for the keys.  The young fellow asked, “where were you when you lost your keys?” The old man paused for a second to reflect and said, “I was in the house”. The entire church broke out in laughter. I was jolted out of my fog. Instantly I realized I had been looking for all I deeply craved in the wrong place. In an instant I felt the realization go through out my entire body. I had been healed by his words, delivered in the instant. I finally had ears to hear, and my prayers were answered.

The next morning, I got up and went walking; I sought out a homeopathic doctor who prescribed an iron rich diet and lots of minerals and vitamins. Slowly I began to feel oh, so much better. Finally, I was clear enough to take care of myself. My nonphysical guides insisted I keep consistent morning meditation. I call them the voices in my head, they started talking to me during morning meditation. They didn’t frighten me, in fact they felt like talking to a trusted friend. I didn’t feel well at all during this time, every muscle in my body was in pain, I thought I might be seriously ill. They gave me the solution quickly, wake at 4:00 am for meditation. So, I did, popping wide awake at 4:00a.m. for an hour or more they would breathe my body, twisting, and turning my limbs in different positions. Initially it really, really, hurt but in time I came to enjoy our morning sessions. It really was like meeting with old friends who I could only hear. After they restored my broken body, they taught me to breathe on my own. It felt like learning to ride a bike with training wheels. I could feel the difference when they backed away and I had to breathe on my own. Breathing, I say, was one of the most valuable skills they taught me. When you are upset and start breathing properly all the fuzzy complaints simply get blown out of your head. And they are gone unless you intentionally go back and pick up one of your complaints. My physical restoration took many different forms. First my body was restored and then my mind, which was the most challenging to restore.

I was on the road to recovery; four years had passed quickly since that fateful weekend. I had learned to take care of my business; my health and the kids were thriving. From the outside looking in my life was ticking along smoothly. Inside I still had a strong craving for something more. I thought I must be still craving my still unmaterialized love. I had become a successful mother, worker, walker, and thinker. Surely this wasn’t all I would experience in life. While it was a nice life, something still was missing. I would soon learn to discover being a good partner to myself would be my first requirement. While this sounds like a relatively simple thing to accomplish, with a good therapist. It took me on a thirty-year quest to experience and understand who I am and my life’s intensions.

I was on the hunt looking for answers, reading every religious and new age book I could find. Without a clear question in mind, I knew I would know the answers when I found them. The answers had to exist. I read Florance Scovel Shinn, Catherine Pounder, and the biography of Mother Teresa, just to name a few. All these women who were also seekers who struggled to balance their lives while managing a deeply spiritual connection. I was constantly hungry for information.  I needed to understand exactly how to live peacefully with myself and life circumstances. There was so much inner turmoil, there was a river of discontent flowing through my veins. So, I read everything I could find on God and spirituality world religions philosophies. Hoping that somewhere between the lines I would find a deeper understanding. All the words were there but I didn’t seem to have a way to connect with the words. Until I was introduced to Reiki and the story of Dr. Milao Usui who’s life mission was to understand how Christ healed the sick. When I read his story, I was astonished, the mere concept that someone would seek to understand, the nature of Christ. Nothing in my Baptist education ever-suggested mortal man could or should desire to heal like Christ. This all seemed too much like trying to be him, none of this Reiki story matched my religious training. When I was a child, every Sunday you could see faith healers on television claiming to heal the crippled and blind. I found this fascinating. This was TV magic according to my mother, she felt only backward folk thought this was possible. I chalked up Reiki as an interesting story for non-Christians. Still, I wanted to know more about Reiki, a part of me wanted this magical healing to be real.

In no time I was invited to take a weekend Reiki class. My friend was so excited about taking the class, I was very curious, so I said yes and signed up for the class. On the following Saturday morning I found myself sitting in the home of a Reiki Master. She was a slender middle age white woman, who looked like any average woman you would see at the local grocery store. She explained she would give us an attunement which over time would give us the ability to heal ourselves and others. This concept was totally outside anything I had ever heard of or ever thought was possible. Nonetheless, I wondered what if anything was to this Reiki healing. Maybe this was the missing something I had been looking for; any insight would be fine no matter how weird. We were offered tea as she continued to explain the day’s activities. My friend agreed to have her attunement first. The lady started waving her hands in front of my friend several times and it was over. Then it was my turn, as I closed my eyes wondering, what kind of dog and pony show is this? Before the thought was finished, blinding light split the left side of my head wide open and brilliant pink light poured in, I grabbed my head and fell to my knees unable to speak and started crying uncontrollably. It was overwhelming bliss; I was crying tears of joy. The light was blinding, I wanted to stay there and bathe in it all. I could feel both my friend and the Reiki master pulling me off the floor. I couldn’t speak, all I could do was weep tears of joy. When I could finally speak, they were both quite concerned was I hurt, did I need a doctor? The Reiki Master was really concerned, later saying she had never seen a reaction like mine. I reassured them I was fine, and my tears were tears of joy. There are no words to explain what happened. I was engulfed in pink light overwhelmed with compassion and love. This was no dog and pony show. Today I know this was my first profound attunement opening me to another plane of existence.

Two years after my pink light opening, I returned to the Reiki Master for another attunement. This time there were no great physical manifestations. Well at least not that day, three weeks after the second attunement I received a very unexpected opening. During morning meditation, ever so slowly my head started rotating, I became the observer as the energy continued pulsing through my body. In the next moment my whole body was moving spontaneously, I was swaying and dancing with energy. I didn’t question any of it because it felt so good. Later that day I shared my new experience with my Reiki partner who explained what I was describing sounded like kundalini awakening. Spontaneous movement was supposed to be some sort of sign of awakening. Again, none of this was registering with my Baptist up bringing. Sure, sometimes sisters in the church would periodically catch the spirit and dance around in the church, they seemed totally out of control. The movement I was having was warm and inviting, filled with passion. While there were some similarities, I was still so confused. I called a friend of my sisters who was supposed to know about these things. After I shared my story, she was horrified, and insisted I stop everything immediately because it was not of God. Gripped with fear I hung up scared and confused, God please show me the truth! I didn’t want any part of dark forces. The next day I was in a bookstore and the lady handed me a thin little book, saying I think you might like this one, it’s free. The book was named “Kriipalu Yoga: Meditation in Motion” by Yogi Amrit Desai. I knew in the instant when the book touched my hand it was the answer to my prayer. The book gave a detailed account of an ancient teaching on spiritual awakening that historically was only for yogis. It was a form of spontaneous yoga that occurred when the student was ready to study intentionally. This eased my mind greatly; so, I continued dancing in the spirit during morning meditation.

Then came 2001 when the movie “A Beautiful Mind” came to the theaters, there was such a buzz about this film I had to go see what all the fuss was about. The movie was slow to reveal the plot, you weren’t sure if this guy was a misunderstood genius or, following some higher purpose. Until pow! plot twist they revealed our leading man was suffering from schizophrenia. I sat in that dark theater with my mouth open. Could I have schizophrenia? I was horrified. Were my voices, spontaneous movement, some form of advanced mania. Sitting uneasily through the rest of the movie. I searched my mind to see if I could discern some possible difference in what I was experiencing. At this point you might be thinking, surely you know, if you are having a spiritual experience or a manic one. When you are engaged with things you are not well educated on, it’s not difficult to question yourself. Especially when there were times when these experiences had you questioning your own sanity. After sitting with the question for a while, I concluded no, I wasn’t having a manic experience. I wasn’t going into a place of dread and darkness. All my encounters were about letting go of fear. My new training was creating an alternative way to view myself and the world I was discovering.

Dailly Expectations

This was the first of many spiritual shifts my body and mind would transition through. Thankfully, I had no idea what I had signed up to experience. My spiritual transitions literally shifted me in ways I wondered; am I losing my mind? Is this really happening? Oh yes, there were those moments I pondered if this was a spiritual encounter or something else?  Fortunately, in those moments the voices in my head would offer me calming clarity. These transitions shifted and changed everything I ever thought to be good and correct about my former life.

You might be wondering what I mean by spiritual transitions, they are like starting a new exercise program. You start with light stretches and moderate exercises. Then, after six months or so you notice muscles developing. While you were building those muscles, little by little your body is experiencing the pain of transitioning from weak to strong. Spiritual transitions are almost exactly like that. You start small with ten minutes of meditation in the morning and after six months of daily and evening practices. You notice yourself becoming more energetically sensitive being in crowds, watching violent movies or even listening to the news. You become irritated when listening to the news so much, so you start avoiding conversations or even walking out of the room when it’s on. You might start feeling pressure in your head, extreme exhaustion at the end of your workday. The point is as you consistently intentionally practice meditation. Over time you will experience physical shifts manifest in your body and mind.

Fortunately, I had direct communication with the voices in my head or guides. They would let me know when we were starting a new phase of growth. I also had the gift of automatic writing and drawing. They would draw me pictures or write out an explanation of what was going on in my body. I noticed it generally took two to three weeks for me to move into a transition and then another two to three weeks to come out of one. These times of transitions could be very emotionally unsettling leaving me feeling totally off balanced. When driving or walking it could feel like moving through water. This required me to pay extra attention to remain present whenever I had to drive or interact with people. Then there were the times my head would explode like electricity was passing through it. All I could do was be quiet and follow the guided breathing practices they would instruct me in. These head expansions happened once a month lasting several days over many years. Pain medications only served to make me feel ill, breathing was the only thing that helped. There were many times when the boys were in high school when I had to push through the pain while sitting through some school performance. This for me was the worst trying to look normal while my brain was exploding. I am sharing all this to say my spiritual transformation was no gentle walk in the park.

Thankfully not every day was challenging, there was one morning when I had a most amazing experience. Walking meditation had just started when, spontaneously, I started singing. Initially it was simply la, la, la then moved on to full throated vocalization. I was amazed at the sound it was so beautiful. I must have sung for at least thirty minutes or more. I loved it, it was my voice with no effort on my part. Literally, all I did was move aside and listen as these wonderful lyric tones came out of my mouth. After a week or so of this spontaneous vocalization, they said this is your new gift. You will heal others with your voice. I was stunned replying that’s not possible, who ever heard of healing someone with sound. I thought their message absurd, immediately I went to the computer searching out sound healing and there it was spelled out in black and white. The Tibetan, American Indians, Aboriginies, and Egyptians all these and more ancient civilizations utilized the power of sound healing to alter the energetic signature of molecules in the human body. Wow, I was overwhelmed and greatly impressed. So of course, I started researching sound intensely and how it could shift energy from blocked too limitless.  Dr. Masaru Emoto studied the effects of sound on water. His work is quite amazing. He would speak to water harshly saying, “I hate you” then freeze the water. After it was frozen, he would look at it under a microscope to discover the water molecules were distorted. When he repeated the same test playing beautiful music to the water or speaking to it lovingly. The water crystals would form beautifully shaped crystals. There is lots of information about sound healing online. Now that hospitals are using it to break up tumors in the body, sound healing is now widely recognized. This transition must have been my absolute favorite, it is refreshing and warm. Whenever I give someone a sound treatment it feels really good to them and to me as well. I just love singing in the spirit.

Your heart is badly damaged, was the first message. They sounded so somber it scared me. Do I need to go to the doctor now? No, we are going to suspend your training for a while. Your heart needs to be replaced. I do remember the doctor telling me I had palpitations some time ago, I never gave it a second thought. I didn’t feel sick, no shortness of breath or extreme tiredness. I felt just fine, “Your heart is badly damaged you need a new one. All kinds of crazy thoughts ran through my mind, do I need a heart transplant. They ask, “will you accept a new heart?” Yes! Absolutely, I knew God healed people of major illness now he was offering to heal my heart. I was certain this was going to be spontaneous just like the ones I had witnessed on TV as a child. Faith healers would lay hands on crippled people in wheelchairs and minutes later they would stand and walk. They asked again will you accept a new heart? I replied absolutely. I went into a state of meditation and then fell asleep for a while. When I woke, I was sure my heart had been replaced.

A week later I started feeling a minor annoying pain under my right arm pit. I ignored it as one of those minor physical changes that mysteriously comes and then just as quickly disappears. After a couple days the pain became more difficult to ignore. I asked my trainers what was happening, they replied we are installing your new heart. Oh! Now they tell me this is going to be a process like tearing down and rebuilding a car engine. At this point the discomfort wasn’t too bad. I could handle this; I continued my far too busy daily schedule and evening meditations. I was working two jobs at this time, teaching art in the evening. One evening as I was cleaning up from class, I got a sharp pain under my arm and tightness in my chest. Initially, it felt like a muscle pulled from working out. The pain was too much to go to the gym, so I picked up the boys and headed home. The next morning, I was fine, sadly the next evening at 5:30 pm the exact same thing happened, a sharp pain under my arm. This time the pain hit so hard I fell against the sink for support. I asked again what was happening. They answered, “we are working on your heart. You need to stop exercising. Once again, I was overcome with pain. I headed home picked up the kids made a quick dinner and headed straight to bed. This is how it would go for the next five months every evening promptly at 5:30pm the sharp pain would come and my energy would drop quickly until I could barely walk. I only had enough time to get the guys and head home straight to bed. I started making dinner in the mornings, I didn’t have the strength to make or eat dinner. The pain would grow in intensity until 4:00 am in the morning when I got up for meditation. The pain would subside around 6:30 am while I was making dinner for that evening. By 7:30 am we were loading into the car headed to school. I was completely pain free until 5:30 pm every evening. I could set my clock as to when the pain would start and stop. This fact demonstrated to me I was not experiencing a classic pain protocol. I was always checking evaluating the experience is this spiritual or madness. I had never heard of anything like this, it was exceedingly difficult. The next experience should have been sufficient to squash all my doubts related to spirit deliberately working in my life. I was a month into the process of receiving my new heart. It was a Friday night, we got home a little before 5:30 pm, it was pizza night. The boys were downstairs sitting in front of the TV. I was upstairs enduring wave after wave of pain in my chest. I was doing my best to breathe, trying to surrender to the pain. That night there was no stopping the searing pain I could barely breathe this was way worse than anything I had ever felt. I got up and grabbed the phone. Contemplating calling 911, the last thing I wanted was to have a heart attack. I had to be responsible and this pain I could no longer bear. I picked up the phone summing up the energy to call 911 , then in the next instant my youngest son Matthew ran into the room putting his arm around me and said ,”Mom you are going to be alright” They are fixing your heart, it has holes in it” While still seized by the pain we both slid down on the floor as we sat there in the dark I asked him to explain. He looked at me casually and said, “Mom it’s going to be alright they are fixing your heart”. Then as quickly as he came, he got up and went downstairs to watch his show. My son came to my rescue, when I tried to ask him about it later, he said nothing acting as if it was no big deal. God somehow reached out to this twelve-year-old to deliver the message, I was being cared for, his words were enough to push away my fears of dying in my bed. By morning the pain was gone. The process of receiving the new heart continued in the same way for five months. It continued to be very difficult but never as painful as that long terrifying Friday night. There was no big announcement when the heart was finally restored. Gradually I gained my evening back and the pain slowly disappeared.

Everything from small disappointments to full blown traumas is stored in the tissues of our bodies.  Once these energies reach a tipping point, they will manifest into real illnesses. Looking back after forty-seven years on earth I had more than a few unhappy disappointments. Like most women I had stored them in my heart. For five months spirit worked with me to energetically surrender, forgive, and release myself from my own self-inflicted bondage.

Learning to trust God to provide for all my needs and the boys was truly the most difficult. When this all began, I was a self-employed graphic designer. Fairly early in the process I was told to stop working for money. I could do jobs; however, I could not put a price on them. I was never to ask for money only to accept whatever was offered. I can’t begin to say how difficult this real-life rubber meets the road activity was. This was a day in and day out requirement, even while it was happening, I knew he was teaching me to experience the truth of his work as faith in action. I tried to explain to him my family would notice and be very critical of me for not working. They would say God helps those who help themselves, go get a job. I had two kids in private school, my car needed work fortunately my brother was living with me at the time, and he was taking care of the utilities. I was just scraping by paying for gas and food for the house. I had herd of Indian monks living in the streets as a spiritual practice. Only accepting food and shelter when provided for by strangers. I told God, these guys signed up for this, they don’t have a home, car, children, or taxes to pay. You are asking way too much. I wanted to trust but I needed a job. So, I set out looking for one. I looked and applied and applied. No one would hire me. I had a teaching degree and could not get hired. Finally I surrendered to accepting design jobs when I could and receiving money when it came. I never had a lot of excess, but we always had what we needed. Silence was another part of the deal. I was not to share what I was doing with others. This part was easy, I had no desire to let anyone know what I was required to do.

Things got tighter and tighter, the tenants in my rental property stopped paying rent consistently. The water pipes burst in the middle of winter and of course we had a horrible hurricane that swept through the neighborhood. Bringing a tree down on the roof. There were so many things happening all at the same time until my property ended up in foreclosure. Fortunately, at the time real-estate was a sellers’ market. I got a good realtor to sell the property. I thought this was my ticket. I can sell the property, pay off the mortgage and have a nice little nest egg to keep us going. Twice the realtor brought me bids below my asking price. The third offer was $90,000, while it was still below my asking price, I knew it would do fine, I told the realtor I would think about it over the weekend. I was so happy my prayers were being answered, God was taking care of our needs. In the morning, I was told to release the property, Oh! No what does that mean to release the property. I have an offer for $90,000. You want me to let it go into foreclosure? Yes! Release the property.

The realtor was distressed, assuring me this was a great offer. I apologize understanding she was losing a commission. I had to lower my head to walk through this one. The property went into foreclosure. The city held the auction on the front porch of my property. I knew this was a real test of faith, four months after the house was sold, I received a check for $800.00 from the city. It was the balance after everyone was paid off. This was far from the potential thirty thousand dollars I was expecting to profit after the sale of the property. I did what I knew was required of me; this was all about me building my faith in action. And as usual, that $800 came when I really needed it!     

 Stalled in the DMV parking lot my newly acquired hand me down 1989 Toyato Camrey would not start. I had intentionally waited until closing time to get the new tags. Already late to pick up the boys from school, now I am stuck in the DMV parking lot. Frustration hit me hard, that’s when the voices in my head said, “Center yourself then try again.”  I started breathing, centering, doing my best to relax, then tried again, nothing happened click, click nothing happened. It sounded like the starter had gone out, “Center Yourself”. Okay, I tried again and again it must have taken me thirty minutes or more to center myself and when I finally succeeded to the satisfaction of the trainers. The car started right up. This was the beginning of my training, to practice being always in the present moment. For over a year every time I got in that car it would not start until I was in a calm and centered state. I took it to my local backyard mechanic twice and he could not find anything wrong. The car started every time for him. One morning a friend of the boys missed his ride to school, so he came by the house to catch a ride. We all got in the very cold car and waited, all three of the guys were sitting in the back seat. I started my usual process of centering, sometimes it took a minute. That’s when their friend asked what are we waiting for? I laugh now remembering one of my sons saying hush! We are waiting for the car to start. I smiled and centered quickly. And she started relatively quickly after the car warmed up, we headed off to school. This was just one of my spiritual trainings that impacted them directly. Soon they would encounter another one that touched them even more impactfully.     

Completing High School

Being accepted to the college of your choice must be one of the biggest moments in a young person’s life. Both my sons were accepted to the University of Miami in 2006. I was very proud they both had worked hard to accomplish their goals. Now it was my turn to figure out how to afford not just the cost of a private college but all the stuff that goes along with going to college. My father had sent me and my six siblings to college in the seventies. Surely, I could follow his lead and make this happen for my two young men. They were accepted in early spring, that was wonderful, but sadly I didn’t know there were fees required to hold a student’s space for the up coming year. I was expecting to have more time, so I called the school to ask for an extension. They understood the situation however they could only extend the offer for one more day. They had lots of students who wanted to attend the school and were unable to hold their space. I was in a state of panic when I got off the phone.  What was I going to do. The boy’s would be really upset, I searched my mind, who could I borrow the money from? With that same thought I imagined the flood of negative comments I would get from my family. In that moment I heard Gods words clearly “Do not borrow the money, the boys place will be safe, and the money will be paid.” His words upset me even more, it was one thing for me to follow God’s guidance I had signed up for this. I am certain the boys believed in God, but it’s completely different to trust him blindly. A flood of crazy thoughts poured into my mind. What had I been learning all these years? Why was I so freaked out now? Once again, I was being asked to trust! I thought I was accepting and well-practiced at this process. This time it seemed more involved. I had to tell the boys, yes, they knew of my work with the nonphysical and yes it had always involved them. But now the voices in my head would directly affect their next steps in life. This time it wasn’t just me who would have to fully trust his words. Now they would have to decide and for me that felt uncomfortable. That evening when I picked them up, the very first thing they asked was did you pay the deposits. Sitting there in the school’s driveway I shared the news. They were both furious! I reminded them we were in this together and now they were being asked to trust him as well. Their anger and frustration were thick in the air as we drove home in silence. Two weeks passed, the deadline had come and gone. I continued my daily meditations wondering how this situation could ever be resolved in our favor. One of their advisors asked my son Matthew if I had paid the fees, he told him I had not. I tried hard to put on a brave face, but I was terrified inside each and every day. Danita my work partner and I were working in my home studio when the phone rang. The voice was rushed and apologetic. It was the school. He said, “Ms. Hayes, I just got off the phone with the admissions office of the University of Miami. They have been holding your boys spots, however they must have a deposit today. I am calling to get your permission to pay these deposits for the boys today. I need you to sign a consent form for the school to pay the fees and the school will Fedx the deposit to Miami this afternoon. He blurted this out so fast I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I said, “Yes, thank you so much”. He hurriedly said, “It’s our pleasure” We don’t want the boys to miss this wonderful opportunity.” I hung up the phone in disbelief. The school had called to ask my permission to pay for the boys deposit. I was in shock. Danita and I danced around the room in celebration. I quickly combed my hair and put on my shoes and went directly to the school to sign the documents. I would not hold up this wonderful gift in any way. My miracle had come, I had given my fears of lack to God and he had returned it to me and the boys in full abundance. When I picked up my sons at the end of the day they informed me the school had decided to pay their deposit to hold their space for the freshman class. They also paid the dorm room deposits of $500 which was due the following week. Twice blessed, this day gave me great joy and space to exhale. My faith in miracles had been once more affirmed. I would like to say I was well rooted in the belief that God would never leave me waiting for anything.

However, true fully, I was still a Shakey believer, part of me felt like I had just dodged a bullet. My secret prayer was just please let me get a job I don’t want to keep trusting blindly. I imagined my friends and family thinking me crazy or too lazy to get a job. And then I would think if they only knew how emotionally difficult it is to wait for the Lord for three weeks trusting all would work out. If any of my critics knew how difficult it was to build faith, it shook me to my very core, to where I could barely stand. And still somehow, I continued to believe and managed to grow in faith. This process was a part of a bigger plan I was not quite certain what it was all for. None the less it was clear I was going to learn to surrender my will.

Preparing the boys to leave for college came with its own stressors of becoming an empty nester after eighteen years. Their impending departure had me on edge, their attitude was quite the opposite, they were chomping at the bit to leave our happy home. They both had summer jobs, teaching summer theater. Finally, all those acting classes had turned into a marketable skill. My very limited working opportunities continued. Before I knew it was August, only two weeks before their departure date. Once again, I had nowhere near enough money to pay for three flights to Miami, books and supplies to set up their dorm. I was determined to be less terrified over my lack of funds, I was more aware but still just as concerned as to how this was all going to come together in two weeks.

My latest message was to collect all the money available and put it in one place. I got an envelope and started filling it, I told the guys to give me all their graduation money and all their money from working that summer. Both replied oh no, this is my money, I was not shocked they had become very possessive of their earnings. Once again, I reminded them of my voices and my intention to give them everything, they needed and desired. They begrudgingly agreed, I cashed the checks and put the money in the envelope. Shortly thereafter a trustee from the church called to say the church had taken up a collection for the boys’ expenses to school they gave them $800, I was speechless. I purchased two one-way tickets, and I had a refund from another trip that was turned into a round trip ticket for me. We had to leave out of Washington D.C. my brother rented a car and drove us to D.C. for we all said our final goodbyes. Fortunately, my sister lived in Miami, so we had a place to stay. The following day we went shopping, opened checking accounts, and purchased books for class. The campus was incredibly beautiful, a tropical site to behold. My young men were settled safely and secure in their new paradise home. I attempted to take one aside to give him my final goodbye speech, but no they were much too excited in their new surroundings to hear anything. It was time for me to go I am certain they will be fine. When I returned home to Richmond I had exactly $100 in my pocket, more than enough for the moment. Once again God came through delivering on his guidance. I know some would wonder why she is so excited over $100. It’s not the amount of money, it’s the deliverance I experienced yet again.

Learning To Love Self                                                                                                                                                     

When I asked God to show me evidence of his existence, I didn’t expect he would expect me to change how I related to the world. I thought he would fix men so I could find a good husband and then move on with my normal life. Instead of fixing mankind, it was me he was training to love me, and he waited until I felt safe enough to value and appreciate myself. I will never forget a small, whispered request by the guides one Sunday morning. They said, “Tell me how amazing you are”. At first, I thought it was a joke, how amazing I am, no that would not be possible, I said I am a mess, I try but I am constantly making mistakes. No, I am the worst. This set off three days of deep weeping, I mean ugly crying. For I knew I was worthless. On the third day the tears stopped and finally for the first time in my life I knew what it meant to love and cherish myself, finally I knew I was enough. This is the first true step we all must take to realize we are and always have been more than enough because of your birth right. Once you discover this truth you are well on your way to connecting to your eternal nature.

Eternal nature, what exactly is that? Once a long time ago when I was walking with a friend, she said, “You know the “You”, you see in the mirror is only a very small part of you that exist. This made me really confused and left me with a feeling of Oh! That sounds crazy so, I immediately put it out of my mind because her words made no sense. When I look in the mirror all I see is me, that’s all I know. Contemplating my eternal nature was not remotely something I could comprehend. There was no way at the time I could have understood all the physical and emotional changes I was experiencing would lead me directly to this understanding. All that any of us are ultimately moving toward is to know “Our Eternal Self”. Our eternal self is the aspect of us that never changes. This eternal nature is content, forever the observer. Taking note of all our life encounters with no need to judge the experiences. Your eternal nature takes pleasure in all experiences; knowing that every experience has been perfectly crafted for your benefit. Our primary goal is to have all the experiences we desire, while not storing or being imprinted by the experiences. We should live life like a nonstick pan, cooking up all manner of lived encounters some desired some undesired some indifferent yet never picking up any residue. Always letting go and leaving behind the residue of undesired encounters. Living this way will give you all the benefits of living, loving, and engaging with life fully. While remaining connected to source, knowing you are forever loved, for all that you are, just as you are!       

Originally, the facts of my story felt impossible to convey, because it was filled with so much extreme physical pain. Which I wrongly took as karmic payback for being a horrible person in a former lifetime. Sadly, I didn’t understand my body was being rewired, my guides were slowly upgrading my body’s nervous system from the standard 180 hertz to 440 hertz. This required rerouting neurons, unlocking my spine and opening of synaptic that were closed at birth. This all started with a simple prayer. “God please teach me, show me without a doubt that you exist.” At the time I was living a completely unsatisfying life. It was a life of utter discontent. This one prayer started it all. If I could not find emotional satisfaction on earth maybe the world of spirit could offer me some understanding. I wasn’t interested in going to church or finding a pastor to guide me, none of that interest me. I had been to church my entire life and there was no comfort to be gained looking to the church. Truly, I didn’t know what I was looking for, all I knew was there had to me far more to life than what I was experiencing. So, at the tender age of forty I made my prayer which opened a new world of possibilities before me. First God taught me to release my fears, by allowing the activities of my day in and day out life to exist without judgement. No complaining on my part, I must allow life to come in and go out like the waves of the ocean. Then I was trained to surrender to life circumstances I had no control over. And finally, to trust he will always provide for all my needs. Embrace all my experiences, the ones I desire and the ones I don’t desire, they are all designed for my good.

Steps to Growing into the Light

The first step to self-discovery, emotional balance, or personal awareness, happens when you recognize your life is not flowing as comfortably as you might like. When you become sick and tired of using so much emotional energy. To hold it all together, only then will you be willing to look outside your normal way of perceiving. To consider another way of responding to your life. You are being asked to STOP, slow down, and LOOK at the ways you respond to your life; and finally, to LISTEN to your heart. Are you willing to consider new ways of responding? That could bring you more personal satisfaction in your day-to-day life.

This is a program of self-discovery, that requires you to listen to your heart’s desires. All the answers you seek live inside you. This journey of self-discovery will only ask one simple question, do you prefer to experience pain or pleasure? As you examine, this question in earnest. You will open to peace of mind, emotional balance, and a life of abundance. Generally, we respond to our life’s encounters as good or not good, “BAD”. I am intentionally not using the word bad because it is filled with lots of judgmental ideas and opinions. It is your strong beliefs and judgements that create all our stress and emotional suffering. Judging life’s experiences as good or bad suggests these experiences are innately filled with intention. Things, or thoughts are the “stuff of life, it is the individual “You and I” who decides or judges if a thing or thought is good or bad. I think we would all agree fire is good when it warms our homes and cooks our food. However, we would also deem fire as bad when it burns down our home. Fire is simply fire it has no intention on its own. It simply reacts in very predictable ways, when managed properly it is quite useful and when managed with less care it can respond in accordance with its nature.

Becoming aware of this simple reality will dramatically change the way you look at your life experiences. All our life experiences are simply that, “EXPERIENCES” we are the ones who identifies them as good or not good. The next key point to remember is all our life experiences are happening for our highest good. It is through these life experiences that we come to discover the things we prefer over those that we do not prefer. Living life to the fullest involves having lots and lots of experiences and it is these experiences that allow us to fully awaken to “Knowing Yourself.”

So, to recap we are going to accept that experiences are to be observed without judgement. They are simply experiences we are encountering in the moment. Next, we are going to accept all experiences as beneficial for our good. In other words, these experiences are specifically designed for our personal growth and development. We will also pay close attention to the things we have no control over. In fact, other than yourself there are very few things you have any control over.

And finally, we will be flipping every undesired experience around to discover their potential benefits for growth. Once you understand their benefits you can then decide if this approach creates more or less stress in your life. This will be our process, when considering a new way of responding to your day-to-day life.  

Observing Without Judgement

Imagine you are an observer watching the story of your life from the comfort of your living room. Now as the observer your point of view has shifted, giving you more time and space to evaluate and respond to what is happening. Rather than having a reactive response of rage, “that waiter intentionally gave me dirty utensils; he intended to insult me.” From your observational point of view, you can clearly see the bus boy rushing, handing the waiter the wrong utensils. Your immediate reaction is one that has become your go to or habitual response. You had an experience of receiving dirty utensils. While this experience was an accident, in a flash that experience triggered emotions of anger, and feelings of being insulted. When you respond out of habit there is no time or space to understand the intension of the experience. It puts you into an immediate state of flight or fight response. This is the stress response designed to protect us from danger. Sadly, today in our hurried rushed world we have tied this rushed habitual response to protecting our self-image.

Now, let’s continue as the observer, this time you see the car coming toward you as you are crossing the street. In the instant you see he is not slowing down so you quickly back up just as he speeds toward you. In a flash you save yourself by being attentive. An in that same flash you feel rage rise, “what’s that guy’s problem, I could have been killed”. Once again, a fight or flight response emerges to protect you. Stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline are released into your body. This response is clearly appropriate, engineered by your nervous system to protect us from immediate danger. Now from your observer’s point of view you can see the driver losing control of his car. Or possibly, we see the car being chased by the police as he speeds pass. There must be hundreds of possible scenarios you the observer could witness from your broader point of view. That would give more context as to why the car nearly ran you down. This simple demonstration illustrates how observation while withholding judgement can expand your understanding. Once we have learned habitual responses to life’s experiences, it may be difficult to immediately pull back to see the experience you encounter from a broader point of view. However, this is exactly how you must practice when becoming aware of your old habits. Practicing being the observer of your life experiences will instantly lower your stress responses.

Now let’s try being the observer of your life for ten minutes. Since you are trying this for the first time, I suggest you set a timer. Before you start the timer, I want you to take a couple of deep breaths and say to yourself my intention is to remain the aware observer for the next ten minutes. I will observe myself as if I were watching a movie, okay, let’s get started. You start by scrolling through your emails. Nothing too important, you answer the first email agreeing to chair the scholarship committee that meets next week at 4:00pm. You are now thirty seconds in the phone rings, it’s the school telling you your daughter is sick and needs to be picked up immediately. Bommer, you just got to work, and that report is due by the end of the day, it’s now one minute and thirty-three seconds. You feel the anxiety of being a single parent rising, “Never a moments peace”. You look back at your emails just as you are settling down enough to think oh no, “I got to tell my supervisor again, I need time off to attend to my children. You glance at the computer and see John’s name on an incoming email. What does he want now? You gave him everything he needed yesterday. You got to hurry to pick up your kid and hopefully get back before lunch. Just the sight of John’s name on the email sends you emotionally off course, you shut the computer without even opening the darn thing. It’s been eight and a half minutes into your first attempt at being the observer. The only thing you have observed is the nagging pain in the back of your head, as you grab your coat to rush out the door.

This example demonstrates how life can pull and push you throughout your day and possibly your entire life. Breathing is the easiest way to bring yourself back to observe what is happening. Sadly, what generally happens is the anxiety created in this short period of time sets the stage for your responses for the rest of the day; your body will react as though you are being chased by a wild dog. How can you practice remaining as an observer for at least ten minutes?

One simple way is to give yourself ten minutes in the morning to practice breathing intentionally or listening to a guided meditation online. Then in the evening practice closing out your day with the same activity surrendering to the release of all the stuff of your day for ten minutes before going to sleep. During your meditation or reflection time pay close attention to your breathing, be aware of your body relaxing. Learning to be the observer of your everyday life is more doable if you start with ten minutes in the morning and end with ten minutes of surrendering to the encounters of your day. If you practice meditation and breath work consistently over three to four months, ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the evening. You will become more able to calm your old reactive emotional mind throughout the day. Now you are better able to respond to all the annoying emails, overdue bills, and the ten thousand small experiences of your day.

Our moment to moment, day in and day out lives, offer more than sufficient opportunities to observe the happenings of your day. The key is to be an observer of your day without judgement. Doing this is very difficult for us because we have been trained to give our opinion and judgement regarding every aspect of our life and the lives of others. Being the observer puts you in charge of your emotional life, you will have a bird’s eye view of what is really taking place. No more assumptions on your part, “was that guy trying to cut me off?”, and even if he was how do I want to respond in the moment. Do I really want to yell back at him raising my blood pressure or even worse invite this guy, to start a road rage incident.  When you observe your life from the observer’s vantage point, you now have total freedom. No longer will you be pulled into someone else’s confused anxious realities.

Now let’s observe your wife coming home at the end of a grueling day, there is no dinner prepared. The children are running around totally out of control. Her home is now reflecting the frustrating day she just left. She shouts in a tone that is dismissive and harsh toward you. She has no idea what your day was like, all she sees is chaos and you are clearly the responsible party. Now from your observer’s point of view you see her frustration and realize her angry words come from her being overwhelmed with the day. Now is your chance to respond intentionally, do you fire back at her with the same angary frustration. Or do you take the middle path sharing your days’ experience, while reassuring her the kids, house and food will soon be put right. If you were unable to view this experience from the observer’s point of view. You would have been caught in the web of her day’s confusion along with your own very challenging day. This day could have ended with you feeling unappreciated and your wife feeling overwhelmed, concluding you don’t care for her emotional needs. It is easy to see how repeated variations of this story could destroy the best relationships overtime. When one person in a relationship remains the observer, this will greatly reduce misunderstanding, friction, and conflict. Whenever you start feeling victimized it simply means you need to back up to observe the encounter from a non-personal point of view.

Awareness practices require that you and only you be willing to work on yourself. This work is not about you looking outside yourself and pointing to Kevin, Martha or your mother to change. Awareness training is all about YOU. Observing your life encounters to realize it is not working as smoothly as you might desire it. When that thought enters your mind, in that moment you must make a commitment to yourself. It’s time to take full responsibility for the way I respond to others in my life.

So how exactly do I master this new intentional way of responding to my life? Once you make a firm commitment, “I want to experience more contentment and joy in my day-to-day life encounters.” This is your first step, make a sincere intention to yourself. Now you must practice being the observer when unpleasant thoughts and feelings arise. You should first pause, then take three deep breaths in and out slowly. While you image the ocean flowing in and out in your mind. Continue this visualization until the agitated feelings flow out of your body into the ocean of “OKAY”! Your intension is to continue breathing until you reach a place that feels calm and safe. You must create an intentional practice of focused breathing for ten minutes before bed and ten minutes of focused breathing in the morning. After five months of practice this will become a comfortable way to respond. You will notice your emotions becoming sweeter and less confrontational toward yourself and others. You will become your best friend, appreciating, and giving yourself good energy every day.

Key Awareness: Become the Observer:                                                                                                                                                                          

Expanding your point of view, to that of an observer immediately expands your awareness. This will lower your anxiety and create an emotional state of calmness.

Over the next seven days write down three things you observe throughout your day.

Daily Observations:

Over the next week write down three key moments during your day, when you remained the observer.

Day One:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Two:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Three:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Four:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Five:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Six:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Seven:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Recognize What You Can Control

Recognizing the difference between the things you have some control over and those you have no control over. Allows you to be intentional with your responses as opposed to being tortured; by the habitual reactive storms that stir up stress in your mind and body. If you know the experience of rush hour traffic makes you crazy. This clear awareness can open new ways you might consider responding to traffic. Instead of seeing traffic as an impediment, you could plan to listen to your favorite pod cast, listen to your favorite music, or dictate your to do list etc. Once you recognize traffic jams as an experience you must grow through, instead of mentally fighting this time. Intentionally plan for it in a way that lowers your emotional distress. There are lots of small and large life experiences that we recognize as unavoidable. Like rush hour traffic, getting the kids off to school, paying taxes, thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws and a host of other occurrences you find undesirable. Instead of resisting or fighting with these unescapable life encounters. Simply recognize them for what they are and plan ways you can comfortably engage with them. Doing this simple action of recognizing an event for what it is without judgment immediately lowers your stress levels. This is a form of surrender recognizing you have no control over certain life occurrences no matter what you desire. They will occur at some point in life and the best you can do is recognize it for what it is and create a plan to cope with them when they show up.

It’s common for us to offer our opinions on any number of topics throughout the day. Personal preferences, judgements, are all glorified in today's world. Holding strong opinions toward other individuals you have no influence over causes stress in your body. The sympathetic nervous system stimulates the pituitary and adrenal glands. This triggers the release of catecholamines, including adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. This chain of reactions results in an increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate. Your body can stay in fight-or-flight for 20 to 60 minutes after the threat is gone, which is how long it takes for the parasympathetic nervous system to return to pre-arousal levels.

Your body naturally responds when you react to events you have no control over. Knowing this fact should make you consider not unnecessarily straining your mind and body. If you practice awareness, it will trigger new beneficial responses. Many times, we are not even aware of the things we have no control over. Our strong opinions stimulate our nervous systems causing physical reactions in our bodies. This is why we feel frustrated and exhausted at the end of the day. When we take the time to become aware of our thoughts it should encourage you to change your reactive habits to protect your physical health. Awareness can ignite a new practiced response to things you have no control over.   

Six months ago, Margrett started working in the front office of G.T. Thomas’ Classic Button Company. Ten years ago, she started working after high school. Margrett always outperforms her colleagues with college degrees; she feels constant self-imposed pressure to perform well. The move to the button company required her to learn new skills. Two days ago, she was given a new account to manage along with work she is still learning. Hearing this new responsibility made her heart race and her stomach churn. She thinks, “This is all too much, how am I ever going to get it all done?” Her managing supervisor notices her distress and says, “Don’t worry I am assigning Jane to help get you up to speed. Your work has been outstanding, I am sure you will catch on in time.” Margrett’s immediate response was panic, realizing the added workload was outside of her abilities. Fortunately, her supervisor had already put support in place to ensure her continued success. If Margrett had been able to pull back and viewed this extra workload from the point of view of the observer. She would have immediately recognized. This new assignment as being something she had no control over. Then she would relax and ask her supervisor a clarifying question such as. Will I be receiving training on this new project? Asking clarifying questions eliminates assumptions. That might potentially cause undue stress and tension on your mind and body.

Whenever you need other people to change so that you can feel better about yourself. This is a clear indication that you are attempting to control circumstances you have no control over. When friends, family or others say this or that about you. You should remember you cannot control their thoughts or feelings about you. While it is unsettling to know your friends and family think of you in an unflattering way. You cannot demand them to respond to you more respectfully. You can stop, look, and listen to their assumptions and then, intentionally make any changes you might desire. Again, you can control your own thoughts, feelings, or desires not those of others. Often your emotions will lash out determined to control the thoughts, behavior, and actions of others. These feelings are emerging from your old habitual way of thinking. It will require intense effort on your part not to respond with confrontation. Your ego will want to debate and argue the fairness of you controlling your actions while others keep behaving the same old way.

Sometimes it’s the actions of governments, corporations, capitalism, poverty, socialism, and all kinds of societal structures. That invites us to argue, and debate with the intensions to control the actions of societal systems. We all have one vote to voice our opinions regarding governmental policies. In the case of corporations, we show our opinions when we purchase or don’t purchase a product. Many times, we can falsely assume we can control the actions and behaviors of societal systems. Thereby spending far too much time fixating over the actions of these systems.  Again, whenever we lose sight of the things, we have no control over. Then we unnecessarily distress our minds and bodies giving excessive attention to things outside our control.  

There once was a family, Mom Dad and ten-year-old Salley who watched Court TV, CNN, and Fox News every morning before work. They wanted to stay informed hour by hour on world affairs. In the evenings they return to consume hours of informative world disasters, local shootings and of course the fluctuating state of the market economy. Salley shared all the horrors of earthquakes and wars taking place in the world with her classmates. In such dramatic graphic detail that her classmates became horrified by her tails. Her teacher called her parents in to discuss the schools’ concerns. The parents were outraged, feeling the teacher was short sighted. So, Salley was removed from the school to be home school. Not long after leaving school Salley developed a small rash on her arm. Before long the rash had spread all over her arms and torso. The doctors gave her creams and pills, but nothing seemed to help. Salley was in great physical and mental pain over her condition that only seemed to get worse. She was taken to specialist after specialist no answers could be found. Finally, she was sent to a child therapist who talked to the family. Fortunately, the therapist was aware of ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) which is a form of childhood and family trauma. The therapist concluded that Salley’s constant exposure to traumatic experiences, while they were virtual, the effects of constant exposure to traumatic news had affected her nervous system. Thereby causing the real effect of her skin disease. Since skin is the largest organ in the body which protects all the other organs. Her skin reaction was her fearful response to all the news she consumed over the television and radio.  

Key Awareness: Recognize the Things You Can Not Control                                                                                                                                                                            Half of all our emotional distress is centered around events we have little to no influence or control over. Simply becoming aware of these naturally occurring moments can dramatically reduce your stress responses. If this concept resonates with you, now you can intentionally decide to remain aware of the things you have no control over. An, create a plan to intentionally respond moment to moment.

Over the next seven days write down three things you recognize you cannot control.

Daily Observations:

Over the next week write down three incidents you realize you cannot control.

Day One:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Two:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Three:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Four:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Five:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Six:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Seven:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

What Happens to You, Happens for You!

Our lived experiences hold the seeds of our personal growth. I am sure you have wondered why some people live in houses on the hill with beautiful things around them and plenty of everything immediately assessable to them. And there are others who are born into lives of lack, misery and always desiring more and not feeling worthy to receive anymore. These two extreme examples hold the ten thousand plus possible ways people might experience life every day. The experience of our lives is the process through which we come to “know ourselves”. Life grows us through our day in and day out lived encounters. It is us who interpret these experiences as harmful or beneficial. We have all heard of people who spend years in jail and say, “prison was the best thing to happen to me”. While this is hard to imagine clearly, their time away from society, family and friends has given them insights into life they didn’t comprehend before going to prison.

This one experience is sufficient to make the statement all our experiences are intentionally designed for our growth. Provided we are willing to become aware of the lessons being shown to us. It is difficult to imagine being bullied by another to be your opportunity to see past the bullies’ actions. And see the expanded gift of releasing any feelings of victimization. To recognize it as your opportunity to tap into your true power of knowing your true worth. You can only be the bully’s victim unless you secretly harbor feelings of not being worthy. When you are aware and connected to your eternal nature. You instantly know the truth and cannot feel or accept the bullies’ words as true. You instantly see his or her pain and suffering. You see past their attempts to make you feel small and inconsequential.

Seldom are we able to see past the bullies’ words because of our hidden shame. We are trained to strike back when someone speaks to us rudely or blatantly insults us. The bullies’ words will be immediately perceived as an insult intended to harm us. Having this mental conditioning as our baseline response makes it nearly impossible to be sufficiently aware at the moment. This is another example of being able to pause in the moment to respond intentionally instead of responding habitually. Doing this requires practice to heal the pains “you” keep hidden from yourself. As we travel through life, we pick up small, and large slights, or insults that are stored in our bodies. Over time these small injuries build up an explode, triggering your flight or flight response. Immediately you feel stress, anger, or resentment. Your integrity has been attacked, now you must fight back to protect yourself.

When we feel offended, attacked, or put down, our reactions are to protect the hidden injured aspects of ourselves. If you were asked, “Do you believe the garbage they are saying about you? Your response would be, “Absolutely not”. You would be certain their insults in no way characterized you. Let’s say a stranger called you on your cell and said, “Everyone knows you are a failure!” would you feel the need to protect your integrity? No! because you don’t know, this random guy. Your hidden emotional bumps and bruises are only triggered when someone close to you speaks harshly of you.

One way to slow down feelings of being insulted is simply to ask a clarifying question. Once again this creates some space to better comprehend what has been said. When you respond to encounters intentionally, now you are in control of yourself. This is the process of self-mastery. When you are in control of your responses, you can release old beliefs stored in your mind and body. The greatest and only true freedom you can experience is personal mastery over yourself.

Life is your primary teacher; we are all magnets constantly attracting circumstances and experiences to ourselves. When you hold strong beliefs such as the world is a dangerous place to live. Your core beliefs are inviting those experiences into your life. When you believe the world is a dangerous place, no matter how many locks you put on your doors. Your beliefs will unconsciously invite the energy or presence of dangerous people into your lived experiences. Likewise, if you feel that all government is crooked, you might experience your tax returns being delayed many months overdue. The energies of your beliefs will draw to you what you believe. These thoughts are destructive, they turn into our core beliefs. Sadly, far too often we believe these thoughts to be our own and we think they are true. “That’s who I am, I can’t change”. Our beliefs create the fabric of our reality as we engage with, our friend’s painful life stories, our own miss guided childhood anguishes. Your lived experiences and those of others around you influence and shape our core beliefs. We have all heard of people who were raised in extreme poverty with no emotional support. Yet somehow, they cultivated completely different core beliefs from those of their parents. Thereby catapulting their lived experiences from poverty to tremendous wealth. You can do a quick internet search to discover, Ella Fitzerald, Oprah Winfrey, Viola Davis, and Tyler Perry are a few well known, Black Americans born in extreme poverty. Nonetheless, they somehow shifted from lives of poverty to experiencing tremendous wealth.  

Can you remain an observer long enough to discover the gifts of your experiences?

• Be a lifelong observer in both good and not good times!

• Face every experience as it shows up in a state of willingness.
• Manage and engage with strong emotions outside your comfort zone, especially those you’d rather avoid like shame or despair.
• Strengthen your relationships with yourself and improve your communication skills, when under pressure.
• Bolster your self-esteem by recognizing your value to you and others.
• Be confident the solution to all problems will show up at the perfect time.

Key Awareness: If It Is Happening to You, It Is happening for You!

Life grows us through our day in and day out lived encounters. These experiences invite us to become more fearful or to move toward freedom from fear. All our lived experiences are literally for our good. The question is can you remain the observer long enough to discover the gift of your experiences.

Over the next seven days write down three things you recognize as beneficial!

Daily Observations:

Over the next week write down three things you now recognize have benefits for your growth.

Day One:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

Day Two:

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

I Realized:_____________________________________________________________________________

I Observed:___________________________________________________________________________

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Gifts of Undesirable Experiences

When undesirable things happen to us it may seem impossible to see the experience as a blessing. Especially if the experience is difficult, like the loss of a job, betrayal of a friend, or extreme emotional depression. None of these seemly unfortunate life experiences appear to be beneficial in any way. However, when you slow down to reflect there are always tremendous benefits on the other side. The opportunity is for you to first slow down. Simply take a pause to reflect on what this situation is pointing to. You lose your job the first thing you might consider is, were you happy or content working there. Are there other opportunities your heart might be longing to explore? The point is you now have a little space to consider something more. Or attend to some underlying beliefs you may be holding around work. Whenever anything we call bad happens to us, you might consider looking at it as a stop light giving you space to reflect. This injury, reprimand, emotional distress and the ten thousand other unpleasant possibilities. Are actively trying to get your attention to stop, look and listen. So, you might discover what is on the other side of your perceived loss. Sadly, far too often we refuse to accept the opportunity. Only in cases where the horrible situation forces you to remain still for long periods of time. Do people take advantage of these life pauses to see their true benefits? Becoming aware of what you are thinking, doing, and believing is the key to turning around experiences you would call bad. Your behavior and action are the only thing you can control; therefore, once you are aware of behaviors that do not serve you. You can then create a new pattern of thinking, doing, and believing that does support your desire.

It took me some time to see the blessing I was given through my perceived personal failure. My mind was rooted in the world of appearances, being married was a banner of worthiness I could not accomplish. I was certain they could all see my shame. Not to mention I was experiencing this inner struggle with what was taking place during the women’s lib. movement. I could have been their poster child, educated, attractive and accomplished, this was supposed to be every woman’s aspiration. No one could have told me your biggest shame would be your biggest blessing at that time. Being a single working mom with twins felt like an impossible task! I only learned to take care of myself a few years earlier, now I needed to take care of babies. My boy’s father passed away when they were a year old. Living inside my head was hard, always wishing and hoping to find a soft place to land. That’s when the voices in my head said release your fears. At first, I argued with them saying I had no fears. Think harder was the reply, so I went out to my favorite park and circled the lake four- or five-times calling out things that felt scary to me. After an hour or so I knew I had successfully accomplished my task of releasing my fears. I let go of fears of being trapped in a burning house. Being swept away by waves and drowning at the beach. Not being able to pay my car note; being pulled over by the police driving without insurance. Complete, I had addressed all the fearful stuff in my mind. It didn’t take long to realize I hadn’t even scratched the surface. The fears I needed to release were deeply ingrained; I was unlovable, abandoned, lied to, not good enough the list goes on.

Blessings come through life experiences; you must engage with blessings. The word blessing sounds very insincere when you look at your nice job, home and family and you exclaim. “God has blessed me.” Generally, you only see things you experience as good as blessings. Your greatest blessings were those things you had to overcome or grow through. Those were your greatest blessings. The moment you realized you had the ability to free yourself from responding with anger to undesired experience was a moment of growth. In the instant you chose self-control over resentment. You moved away from the chaos taking place around you and instead opted for serenity over vengeance.           

Life or God is always trying to serve you; it connects to your feelings as your guiding star pointing you to the true North. When you feel lost on the stormy seas of life. Let your feelings guide you to safe harbor they can never stere you wrong. Fearful emotions must be relaxed, they will always steer you into the storm. Relaxed calm emotions steer you toward sunny skies. So, when you follow your emotions, you are always being led home.